Lost, Confused, and Unknown.

Just as I think I am getting a hang of me, my thought processes, my issues, inadequacies and life. Something new (or old) pops up and kicks me in the arse. A quiet reminder that control is an illusion, that it isn’t me that determines where life takes me; in reality I know that this is false, that my actions, thoughts and state of mind determine such things, still when in a depressed state rational thought eludes me.

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Drawn to Poetry..

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas1914 – 1953


‘No man is an iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee….’

John Donne
Meditation 17
Devotions upon Emergent Occasions

Feelings of the Macabre, Death and Darkness are following me these last few weeks. My viewing and reading habits have changed. I am watching some dark Hentai and Manga and I have not been interested in the books I have been reading. If anything, my reading has come to an abrupt stop.

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Time, an ever fleeting Lady…

Since I last posted I have had a couple of highs, a few more meahs, and even more lows. I think I have found the right times to take my medications, which I think accounts for the high and meahs. The lows have been lows.
I know what caused a few of the lows. Socialization of the Health Care system, and funds. My health care premium doubled in price, ergo less money to go toward medication. Kinda fucked up.
There have been no thoughts of self harm or harming others, but they have been pretty fucking low. The thoughts were all self destructive. Self destroying. There were times of complete hatred of myself, times of feeling completely unworthy, times of wanting to be completely alone. But, having to be all nice and smiles and polite when all I want to do is lay in bed and just be alone. Just being there made me feel calm, having to get out of bed, wash, dress and go to a 9 hr shift was painful beyond words.
The highs, we so nice,


The duality of our beings, the Ying/Yang that we are both spiritually and mentally.
The Duality

Duality, I think we have it in each and everyone of us. This other person inside us, the polar opposite of our outward persona.

I’m not on about good/evil, no this is a metaphysical person. This is the Confidence to the socially awkward. The Overachiever to the Procrastinator. My flip side is a hydra. Fear, self doubt, an ingrained sense of unworthiness. The only difference is I can’t fight them.

I feel helpless as they drain everything from me. This is what I chose as my theme for Tattoos. The feeling of Alpha and Omega.

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We are, what we were taught to become…

I was talking with my lover the other night. We got into some pretty deep, and personal stuff and it went quite well. There is one thing that is bugging me though, and I can’t shake it. Moreover, it is something so small that it’s relevance is almost faded. While talking, I mentioned how easy of a growing up I had. That I had not got any issues with how I was raised. She corrected me.

I will admit, I had what to me were some really tumultuous times. But on the scale of things others go through it seems like barely a pebble on a dirt road. Who does have a “normal” upbringing? More importantly, what is a “normal” upbringing.

I was not molested as a child. Nor was I treated badly by my parents. I was not kidnapped, shot, stabbed (unless you count the fork in the back), bullied or the bully. I lost my virginity at an older age, but sex is not just the bumping, grinding, and her screaming in pleasure. Sex, is both an emotional and physical state. I ask any woman to deny that they have not thought about plans for something, a stain they see…or anything else during sex. I cannot, and won’t speak for all men. I speak for myself only.

I think of you, what do I want to do? What would you like to do? Reading body language to see how things are going. What next? Is that an Orgasm I am starting to feel? Is she enjoying this?

Sleep well.