Have you ever wanted something, something as small as company. You hint at it from lunch, no reply for hours. You hint at it again hours later, then just get brushed off like dead weight. I don’t do subtle, I never quite figured it out. I either say exactly what I want to say directly to your face, or if the time, situation or it’s problematic to say this; I say little to nothing. If I don’t engage you in conversation when common courtesy and manners dictate otherwise, I keep quiet. That is when you should be afraid. Because I have to be nice, and i don’t have normal outlets for that type of, emotion lets say. So it builds up, and festers inside me. I see the way that you treat others, the people I care for, people I care deeply for. How do you learn such mechanisms to deal with a situation that not only has you outside of your comfort zone, but questions and questions everything.
WTF is he going on about, this has jack shit to do with self esteem. That’s where we differ. Because its like binge eating for months and months and months, then NOTHING. It’s emotional, it causes mental pain and anguish. It beats you down, day in and day out. Yet, everyday you get out of bed and go about your daily life with a smile on your face, and a dark place becoming more visible daily when I close my eyes and try to meditate it out.
I’m getting on in age, doesn’t bother me in the ways I thought it would. Where it does bother me is I will never be a father. This is all I have wanted my whole life, it is everything I have aimed toward. I was good, honest, truthful, faithful; but women never want that, or at least that is how it seems. I can count the women I have loved (outside of family) on 1 hand, and still have spares. I can count the number of sexual partners I have had on 1 hand also. I am an old school romantic, I open doors, remember conversations, I even forgive the broken promises sometimes. Yet I am unable to say I am truly in a “relationship”, because that would mean a split in something.
I can’t say these things to my lover, its like peeling an onion. You get one skin of and the onion attacks the only way it knows how, it’s vapor and smell. Each skin, the same pain. When I mention anything. It is her fault, she did this and then the defenses go up and that’s it. How can I explain to her in a way that her defenses don’t trigger that I need company.
Who gives a fuck anyway.
Medicated & Alone 